Warning: This Is a Vulnerable, Rambling Post
January 4, 2016. 5:38am on the first Monday morning of a brand new year. I sit here, at my beloved kitchen island. My guy and my girls are still sleeping; the house is quiet. But I'm up. I've been up since 4:15am writing and thinking. Writing and thinking. Two of my very favorite things. Two things I hope to do lots of in the year to come.
The holidays are over. Normally, this would make me sad, nostalgic. But this year, I find myself welcoming the passage of time, the taking-down of the big, dry-needled tree, the steps forward. The last three weeks have been hard. That's all I can really say at the moment, all I feel I need to say. Life, I know now, again, can change in an instant, and it has, and I find myself struggling and sad in certain moments, wondering if I have the strength to push through.
The good news: I do. I absolutely do.
And this place? This place will help, maybe as much as anything else. I will come here to scribble thoughts, to process change, to feel. Here, I will avoid pretty filters, artificial sweetness. Here, I vow to be nothing but real. (No worries: on Instagram, I will still be an itty-bit faux :))
I do not mean to be cryptic, but it's just that some stories are not mine to tell. But the thing is, the heartening thing is, that my story is mine. And that's what this blog is, right? My story. Bits and pieces of it, at least.
I think back to when I first started this blog. It was a while ago; spring of 2009. I thought I was starting it to promote my first novel, but the truth was more complicated; I started it to grapple with tricky things that were foremost in my life: new motherhood, the loss of Dad, the uncertainty I had about my identity as a once-Ivy Leaguer, exquisitely educated but secretly pretty clueless about how to live in the world. I began writing here because, in many ways, in important ways, I was lost.
And I'm a bit lost again. Anew. But I've decided that's okay. That is life. And I'm going to embrace all of it - this lostness, this life. And I'm going to feel it and write about it here. And I need you. Yes, you. You who reads these words, who maybe sees yourself in them. (The benefit of vagueness, chosen or not, is universality, no?) You who knows that life is not simple, pastel-hued perfection, but something that can be, at any given moment, gritty or glorious, heartbreaking or happy. I believe that the good life is all of these things, that the contrast of light and dark is what makes it what it is: precious.
I warned you that this would be a bit rambling, but I find myself unapologetic for this fact. If I came here today with a tidy little bullet-list of my goals for 2016, with a picturesque account of the holidays, that wouldn't be right, or real. Instead, I come here with this, this early morning mess of words that are nothing if not an ode to this odd little corner of the ether I once needed, and need again, and to all of you who are here, those of you whom I know well and not at all. You.
So, yes, I need you. I'm saying it. I need you to bear witness this piece of my life, to gobble my imperfect words, to be here. Oh, and something else, something grand which feels less important now, but IS so important to me: My novel THE RAMBLERS is coming out in a little more than a month (on February 9th) and you will be hearing about it more and more because I would love for you to read it. It's funny because I pretty much despise the promotional aspect of writing (as I think many of us writers do), but I feel so good about telling you all about this book, and particularly now. Why? Because it's about three complicated, but well-meaning people who are a bit lost in their lives, who are fumbling to find their footing, and happiness too. Sound familiar? It does to me. (Links to preorder here.)
Much more to come about book stuff. Events and reviews and insider email lists and all that sweet jazz, but for now, I just want to say thank you. For being here, for reading, for supporting me, for allowing me my moments of weakness and wonder as I ramble on.
Happy 2016, guys.
Despite it all, because of it all maybe, it's going to be a good one for all of us. Mark my words.