My coffee is hot, my laptop is open, and I'm feeling thoughtful.

I'm sitting at a coffee shop on the Upper West Side. My coffee is hot, my laptop is open, and I'm feeling thoughtful. A good combination of things. I'm thinking about this blog. What do I want it to be? What do I need it to be? Why has it been so important to me for so many years now? These questions pinball in my mind, waking me up, stirring something. The answers elude me and yet they hover in sketchy form, not far from my grasp. I want this blog to be a safe place, a place without rules, a place where I can put bits of myself that are serious and silly, pieces that matter to me. This place is important to me because I've literally evolved right here, in front of this screen (well, my old laptop screen). It's important because I've allowed myself to come here and to process and to find purpose. It's important for so many reasons including this one: it feels important. 

The truth: I put a lot of pressure on myself. I know I'm not alone in this. I put pressure on myself to be a certain mother, a certain wife, a certain sister and daughter and friend and writer. A certain character. And, like so many of you here reading, I'm a perfectionist. I go back and forth between wishing this weren't so and clinging to this aspect of myself. I like having high standards. I like achieving things. I like aiming for the stars. But what happens when we don't meet those standards, when achievement dodges our pursuits, when we miss the stars? Do we beat ourselves up or do we say, hey, I'm trying?

I used to beat myself up. A lot. I used to be pretty good at the whole self-lacerating nonsense and there are bits of this still, but I've gotten so much better at accepting my less-than-perfect self. I've even (shocker) come to embrace her, to realize that people who work hard and stumble here and there and who are honest about their striving and struggling are far more interesting and beautiful than those who have it all together. I consider this progress.

And so. Here I am. On a Tuesday morning after a long weekend. The girls are tucked away at school, my guy is at work, and I am here. Here. Here in this coffee shop in the city I love. Here in this chapter of my life. Here in this place I've cherished for almost six years now. It all makes me smile. Maybe because I'm grateful for this messy magical mundane meaningful moment in my life.

What do I want this place to be? What do I need it to be? I want and need it to be a place where I can be truthful and thankful and thoughtful, where I can pause and inhale the air of right now and honor just who I am right now.

I feel lucky to have this spot. And to have all of you here with me.

Happy Tuesday, guys! {And see below for some links/recommendations!}